Up, down, turn around, please don&#39;t let me hit the ground...

Stupid fucking diaper fucking babyrash fucking powder fucking everywhere.

AAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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I understand completely. I would really have liked to have been there. I have been to festivals before, but there is something special about seeing Iron Maiden with Renee. They are our band, and it feels wrong that she should be there without me. Iron Maiden is an experience we always shared.

I guess now is my first encounter with the hardship of being a parent. I must miss out on something I want very much in order to be there for my son. I would never say the sacrifice is not worth it, but it does make me sad. It weighs on me, and I know Sunday night will not be a happy time for me, knowing what I am not able to share in. And of course, I would not go and just leave the baby with Del, knowing she wanted to be there, and she would not do the same to me. That would not be fair. And I do not think either of us are really ready to go away and leave Matthew with someone who is neither of us. Hell, most of the people we consider will be at Download anyway. So the situation pretty much blows.

If it would help, you are more than welcome to hang out with us. Company is always good. I love you, Kat.

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But it's not just stupid fucking download. I didn't get to go to Spain to be with my family. The part of my family that actually treats me like a goddamned human. And they keep talking about how great it is and David's fucking wedding and you know what? I thought I was close to him. I thought he considered me family and I didn't get to be there. And that fucking pisses me off.

And they won't stop crying and wanting things and I don't CARE ANYMORE! They can just fucking cry.

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Of course, I didn't even think of that. I guess maybe I have gotten used to having family again, maybe taken them for granted. I'm sure David never wanted to cause you pain. His decision was about capturing something that is not easily found in our world. I think that after all he has been through, he felt he had to do it when he had the chance. Of course, that is not to say that you shouldn't be pissed off. I think your feelings are perfectly understandable, and this is a reaction that David should have been prepared to deal with when he made his decision.

Please remember that it is not you are not the only person responsible for the babies. If you need to rest, you can get away. Let Ethan take them for a while. And there is Kali too, she loves them. You don't have to be there all the time. If it is for your own good that you need some time, then it is for their good, too. Sometimes it is good for Del to get a break, for just me to handle Matthew for a while, and vice versa. I guess this is why we have two parents, oui?

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breaks-the-fall.livejournal.com

Not all of us have two parents.

I just put Zoe and Bianca to sleep.

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No, not everyone does. Which is why, as I say, I must not take my own for granted. I'm sorry if it was thoughtless of me to say that, Ethan. The last thing I want is to hurt you or Kat, to make things worse.

Are you okay?

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breaks-the-fall.livejournal.com

Oh, I'm fine! Kat's upset. She's ranting that we're not together and somehow that means our children are disadvantaged. That was what I was getting at there, I just didn't do it well. Sleepy.

You didn't upset me.

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Ah, I see. I certainly did not mean to imply that your children were disadvantaged in what I said! Quite the contrary, I was trying to be hopeful because they have both you and Kat to take care of them, to say nothing of Alessa and Kali. I do not believe you have to be together to be the best parents you can be. You can still live together in peace and friendship, and that is something many married couples cannot do. I actually think your children will have a very big advantage, and that makes me glad.

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breaks-the-fall.livejournal.com

I think they will too. Like I said, you didn't upset me!

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Oh...

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I am so sorry, Kat. We really did miss your presence. Believe me, David wished you were there. We all did. We love you. You might feel angry now, and that's understandable, but you made the right decision for your children and that makes you a wonderful mother.

We'll be home tomorrow and then we can come round to see you if you'd like.

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What would you know, you left your daughter for 11 years. With a fucking drug addict that was abusing her. Who are you to tell me anything.

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Hey.

You are way out of line.

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Filter this away from her. Please. Don't let her see it.

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I'm sorry, Peter. I'm so so so so so so so sorry.

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'S fine.

Go to Adrian's and sleep well, Kat. I love you.

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Kat, please. You're angry with me, not Peter. I'm willing to accept the consequences of my decision, and I do apologise that in regards to the presence of many of my friends, it might have been thoughtless. Peter did nothing wrong, though. He didn't deserve that.

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That had nothing to DO with you! Everyone says how he's such a great father and he does everything right and he never does anything wrong and he makes the rest of us fuck ups look bad. But he does do things wrong, dammit!

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Yes, he does. I would never claim that Peter never makes mistakes. Peter has made big mistakes in his life. So have I. No one gets away without doing that. But he is a great father, and he can be that and still make mistakes. And you're not a fuck-up, by comparison with Peter or by any standard. I have great respect for you as a mother. There's no reason why I should feel otherwise.

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Well I just fucked up hardcore.

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You're not the first of us to do so. You apologised, and that's a good start. I'm sure Peter will let you keep working towards making things right with him tomorrow.

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I DON'T WANT TO WORK TOWARDS ANYTHING I WANT TO SLEEP I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN THREE DAYS!

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Then don't worry about it tonight. Go to Spectre's, eat, sleep, and start fresh tomorrow.

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When there will be work. And more babies. And goddammit.

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it ain't always gonna be this way. i know it's tough, i mean, i know it intellectually, even though i know that as an experience i can't conceive of what it's like to be a parent. what i do see is the positive side of it, when i can look at the way you look at zoe and bianca, and the way they look back at you. that's creatin' happiness on a scale that i just couldn't do. with ups like that, i guess there's gotta be downs. you're a great mum, cos you give and give and give, and bein' so young and havin' this happen without even bein' planned, i'm surprised it's taken this long for you to really feel a toll from all that. or to really talk about it, anyway. i know there was the first couple of days, but then it seemed so good, y'know? almost felt idyllic to think about, even though i know it ain't like that.

i guess i'm not really sayin' much more than it'll turn around. they'll do somethin' to show how much they love you, and the demands won't seem so much all of a sudden. that's what i reckon, anyway. it don't mean they're not there, and it don't mean it sucks less, but i guess what it does mean is that you see the other side of the coin at the same time, rather than just one or the other. maybe make things stop seemin' shite, and feel okay till they can really feel good again. i hope it can be like that, anyway.

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You always say the right things.

I'm still pissy!!!! But you say the right things.

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that was a tough one, too. glad i made the grade, didn't know if i would. i love you, darlin'. that's an always.

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I love you too.

I feel like complete shite.

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i know. only so much any one person can take, and sometimes it seems the world don't know when to stop. believe me darlin', i wish i could make it so it would. for some reason they just ain't got round to crownin' me king of the world yet.

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They so should.

God I love you so much, Tamm.

Have a good time, okay? And take care of Kay. Make sure Alessa has a good time if you see her.

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and i love you so much too, kittykat. i'll take care of the girls. i think kay mainly just needs some rest, and 'lessa'll be happy wherever there's music. i'll keep watch over her the best i can, though. wouldn't wanna be any other way.

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OKay. Thanks.

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in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com

I'm still here tonight. If you want, you can come over and I'll cook you dinner. It would probably be immensely refreshing for you to crash in a quiet bed for the night, not to mention talk to your heart's content. I'm always good for listening.

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I think maybe I should do that.

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in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com

Great. I'll start cooking, and leave the door open for you.

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Can I sleep with you?

Thomas yelled at me.

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